I've been feeling for awhile now the need for a change. Looking across the span of my adult years, I follow a pattern, quite unconsciously, of changing and moving and reinventing myself. I am preparing for my fourth cross country move. West to East to West to East to West. I hope to rest and settle and discover a new piece of myself with this latest move West.
I originated in the West. My first move East was an 18 year old's quest for self-discovery, education, independence and "freedom" from all things thus far known. It worked. I received a stellar education, had my first real job, met my first wife, explored the East Coast...and then wanted to go West again to see what experiences I had missed.
My first move East to West brought me to Los Angeles, to my official first job, complete with office and full-time paycheck, to my first unfurnished apartment, and to my first experience living with a girlfriend. I grew up and felt like an adult and had to learn to manage money and drive in LA traffic. I loved it. I adopted kitties and bought furniture and learned how to compromise and communicate. And then I felt like something was missing...some kind of passion...and I was sure that it could be found if we headed East and I was sure that it could be found in the study of law.
So off we went from West to East in search of something. I did find what I was looking for but it was not what I expected. These last 5 years have been my most complicated and confused years. A lot of who I was and what I thought I could accomplish has crumbled. My last relationship came to a heartbreaking and tumultuous end, my self esteem took a nose-dive when confronted with academics and I felt lousy about my chances of loving the law. That's what I wanted, to find a career that I loved, one that would make sense to me, one that would make the financial and personal sacrifices worth it. I want to love the law so that I don't regret the changes I've made and chances I've taken. I don't yet know if that is possible.
Socially, my life took a sharp turn when I met B. How I defined myself changed, where I was going changed, how my actions affected others changed. Re-evaluating where I am in my relationship building has netted positive and comforting results. I am happy, very happy, beyond happy in this relationship.
This upcoming move West represents the search for something new, just as all my former journeys have, but this one is a search not for self-discovery or the missing piece to make me whole, it is a move that represents an optimism about the chance and ability I have to make a difference in the world; to be the kind of person that I will be proud of.
Journal of a seeker